Celina Hugs Raima

Did you guys read this?

Celina Jaitley spotted Raima Sen settling her luggage at the waiting lounge.

What followed was a reunion of sorts.

The pretty actresses literally jumped around like schoolgirls, indulging in some air kissing and hugging before heading for their respective destinations. [Link]

Whoa. What were these respective destinations? Who else went with them? How do I get there? Why are my eyes glazing over now? Dang.

Kangana Ranaut Hits On People

Kangana Ranaut, “next hottest thing in Bollywood,” had a harrowing experience last month. She was told that she was the recipient of something called the Sabsey Favorite Nayi Heroine award, but when she showed up late at the venue, the organizers had decided to give the award to Soha Ali Khan instead.

“I was told to stay on and that my trophy would be sent to me at home. I sat through the rest of the function without knowing that my award had been given to someone else. I didn’t even know Soha got the award until a friend phoned to say so. It’s rather sad and funny,” said Kangana, who made an impressive debut with “Gangster – A Love Story” this year. [Link]

So when Kangana headed to Kuala Lumpur to receive her best actress award at GIFA, she was understandably worried. What if the organizers decided to give the award to Hrithik Roshan for Krrish instead? Thankfully, nothing of that sort happened, and an elated Kangana decided to hit on Hrithik instead.

After GIFA Kangana has become a huge fan of Hrithik Roshan. “In a world filled with dishonourable intentions Hrithik is such a thorough genteleman. He knows how to make a lady feel special. He spoke to me as if I was the best actress in the world.

I think his wife is very very lucky?Where can I find a husband like that?” sighs Kangana who has no one that special in her life. [Link]

And now, Kangana went to the Dubai Festival where she ran into Jesse Metcalfe, who is some type of male person, I think. And promptly enough,

Whispers Kangana, “I’ve had a secret crush on Jesse whose name I didn’t know. But like any 19-year old my heart would kip beats when he seduced Eva Longoria in Desperate Housewives. I’d wish he’d seduce me. And now there he was sitting right in the row in front of me at the premiere of Emilio Estavez’s new film Bobby…” [Link]

Damn, this girl is dangerous. Next time she heads to Florida, I’ll have to make an effort to stay out of sight. You guys will be ok though – most of you aren’t as handsome as me.

The Silence Is Doomed

Nishabd , the Ram Gopal Varma masterpiece to be, has been wrapped up last month. I think that means it is like done or something. Sadly though, things aren’t looking too good for Nishabd.

Firstly, Amitabh Bachchan sings a song for the movie.

Varma can’t stop raving. “You’ve to hear how Mr Bachchan sounds in the number. When I heard him do the song in Baabul I thought that was the ultimate. But after hearing him sing Vishal’s song in my Nishabd I’ve decided this is his best song ever…” [Link]

I so want to believe that, except:

Ironically the Big B maintains he’s not a singer. “I don’t know how to sing. I never did. Earlier too when I sang for Silsila (Neela aasman so gaya) I cringed. Even now my reaction is the same”. [Link]

You hit the nail on its head, sir. Now may I please request you to watch a few of your movies, say, Boom and Baabul? Do let us know what you think…

And secondly, Nishabd is up against some stiff competition.

… it comes as a surprise to see the pace go down for the publicity of ‘Nishabd’. The promos that had arrived with a bang are suddenly finding them extinct with the promotion of some other films taking precedence over it. A movie that appeared to be coming to the town soon now seems to have gone slow.

One wonders if ‘Nishabd’ would eventually arrive in an anyways overcrowded February that has confirmed releases like Honeymoon Travels Pvt Ltd., Traffic Signal, Eklavya – The Royal Guard, Shakalaka Boom Boom and Metro lined up. [Link]

Is there any way a movie can compete against Honeymoon Travels Pvt. Ltd. and Traffic Signal and Shakalaka Boom Boom and come out ahead? I think Mr. Varma should rename his movie Nishabd: Silence Is Skimpy to even stand a chance. Whaddya say, Lindsay Lohan?

One more loser

For the new year, the authors of S*ardonic wish they had a cent every time another wannabe-star loses his or her cell phone. The latest loser on our list is Aryan Vaid. And please don’t ask us who he is – we know little about him, other than that he happens to be on S*ardonic’s favorite TV Show – Bigg Boss. By managing to drown his cell phone along with himself, Vaid poses serious competition to Southie losers Vindya [Link] and Namitha [Link].

We all were supposed to get out of the small boats and into a big one. I had one feet in one boat and the other feet in the other, when the big boat moved. Before I knew it I was in the water sinking downwards. [Link]

Vaid went on to explain that his, er, “sinking” feeling was made worse not by his inability to swim, but because of his cell phone!

Of course I can swim! But have you tried swimming in that deep water at 4.am in the morning with your clothes and boots on, and your mobile in your hand? My phone immediately slipped out of my hand and I’ve lost all my numbers. But at that time it was the least of my worries. All I could think of was how to get out of the water. [Link]

Darna zaroori hai

Prashant Raj Sachdev who? That was our question also. So we dug and dug, and then we wished we hadn’t. We’re told that Sachdev is the new Jai in the new Sholay. [Link] And no, we aren’t talking about the new Bhojpuri Sholay. [Link]

Sachdev revealed the secret casting process behind his landing the role:

After answering his queries about my past, modelling, race, shows, what I felt about acting, my thoughts on acting, what an actor is all about, what acting means to me, Ramuji asked me to do something for him.

I knew instinctively this was the time. I spread my arms on the chair, looked at him and said, ‘Do you think I don’t know how to act? I have not come so far to waste time!’[Link]

That outburst worked, and he was cast as Jai. What’s more, Sachdev has even been learning a little bit about how movies get made:

My entire perception of what acting was all about was completely trashed. There was a shot where I am supposed to be resting by the bar with Ajay Devgan. But there is no Ajay. I am talking to a plant or a leaf. That’s what acting is all about. [Link]

Imagine, someday he might even be shown a green screen! Sachdev also admitted to being genetically challenged, and a shape-shifter among other things:

As a school kid Raj says he was “tall, skinny, had thin, long arms, (was) pigeon-chested, (with) thin legs and calves with a wide waist.

I started going to gym but saw no changes even after three months. My instructor told me that I was not genetically gifted. Today, I am proud of having been able to change my body shape. Nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it[Link]

Dharmendra’s retirement: A landmark in animal rights

Ashuthosh Gowrikar, the strong man of Bollywood [Link] reveals that when it comes to animals, he has a weak-heart.

69 elephants, 50 camels and 100 horses will be used to shoot battle sequences. There are two vets on the sets. Every four hours the animals get rest. Their holding areas are sufficiently large and roomy. [Link]

He acknowledges that animal rights have come a long way since the old Haathi Mere Saathi days.

Dharmendra fought lions with bare hands. Thank god animals aren’t treated that way any more. [Link]

Comeback No.1

You can take a star out of the movies, but apparently not the movies out of the star. Govinda, for example, has been out of movies and into politics for the last five or so years. Or maybe not:

After winning the elections… I wanted to know more about politics and do something for my constituency. After three years, I signed a film [Link]

He does seem to have picked up something from his years as a politician, though. No one else would have the er, generosity, to come up with such gift ideas:

My comeback in Bhagam Bhag is a gift I am giving my family and fans on my birthday. [Link]

He assures us that this gift will come wrapped in a nice package. Govinda has been working hard at losing weight.

I walk and practise yoga for an hour each. [Link]

Although he shares Bhagam Bhag with Akshay Kumar, Govinda makes it clear that he will be No.1, even when he’s in drag.

I will never play a second heroine. Till the end of my career, I will do only main roles, whatever it is. [Link]

Oh…that was Simran. Clearly, the S*ardonic team hasn’t quite recovered from this morning’s trauma. [Link]

Hattip from onlooker

Tanushree Can’t Strip Herself

Tanushree Dutta – who is quite fine just the way she is if you ask me – seems to be interested in constantly refining herself in various directions.

For example in ‘Risk’ I am not deglam completely. I am still dressed well, I have my song and dance number but the performance level has become more refined. In ‘Bhagam Bhag’ there’s a lot of glamour element. There are loud costumes and all that. But again the genre is comedy so my performance level has been refined in a different direction. [Link]

A few more rounds of this, and she’ll be like premium refined, and you can pour her down the throat of your expensive car and drive it around your neighborhood real fast. On second thoughts, maybe not. The car might start making meaningless noises that you’ll find strangely alluring. Like so:

Glamour is something which I believe is an essential part of me which I can’t strip myself of. [Link]

Something tells me she has been dating John Abraham secretly. Or maybe Aftab Shivdasani. Whoever it is, it is definitely not me, and that makes me angry.

Pictures courtesy tanushreedutta.com

It’s better to let John Abraham talk

Done with baring his soul, blathering Bollywood hunk John Abraham has moved on to baring his body. Drink it in while it lasts, because Mahesh Bhatt says it won’t last too long.

However, filmmaker Mahesh Bhatt, says, “By shedding clothes, these girls manage to cater to the popular demands of the commercial cinema. But after they have reached a certain point, these girls succumb to the old middle-class milieu…” [Link]

Oh wait, that was Bhatt talking about girls… but John is such a sensitive guy, so the quote partly applies to him.

Tired of looking at John Abraham’s hairless chest? Wait for Anurag Kashyap’s No Smoking. In the film you will get to see more than that, with John doing the Full Monty? derriere included. [Link]

For the average moviegoer, this isn’t such a big deal. Most of us are used to crying “What an ass!” when John appears on screen, so this’ll be just another day at the theaters for us.

Chennai youth like grainy nudity

Vidya Balan joins a long list of Indian celebrities who have had “look-alikes” bathing or undressing with a camcorder pointed at them. Even more interesting is the research finding of some Chennai-based investigative porno-journo who unearthed this fact.

Whether morphed or look alike, the MMS clip is doing rounds among the youngsters in Chennai. According to youngsters who regularly received such clips, they prefer MMS clips of actors and famous models. {Link}

Of course they do. Youngsters love to imagine that grainy image on their 150×150 phonescreen is their favorite actress dropping her skirt when the boyfriend yelled ‘Action’. And in this case, they knew for sure it was Vidya Balan when the model dropped her clothes and shrieked “Good Morniiiiiiiiing Chennai”.

Crow Flies Off With Namita’s Cellphone

Namita is being visited by her brother and his family at her home. During one of the family gatherings in her garden, Namita was playing with her niece.

A crow in the vicinity was stealing biscuits from the plate kept aside. In the process, the stealthy crow mistook Namita’s ultra slim cell phone to be a biscuit and grabbed it in a jiffy before taking off in the air. Namita, startled by this, chased the crow but could not recover her cell phone. [Link]

Now what gave Namita the right to carry an ultra-slim something? No wonder the crow was pissed. It was so pissed in fact, that when Namita called, it wouldn’t pick up the phone. Smart Crow.

I tried my number immediately after but the phone kept ringing, stated Namita in a melancholic voice that is unlike of her. [Link]

In a totally unrelated development, our Bollywood reporter tells us that Ajay Devgan was in Mumbai – not Chennai – when this incident happened. He does not say if Mr. Devgan can fly.

John Abraham Should Not Be Allowed To Talk

John Abraham, Bollywood Hunk, has the hots for a costar: Hema Malini in this case. Which is not an unusual thing for the man, but what is admirable is the way he intertwines a message of racial tolerance in his confession.

“During Baabul if I had shot one more day with her I’d have fallen in love with her. She’s really, really pretty,” confesses John.

Hema Malini is either black or white. [Link]

Yeah, it has to be one of those pal. Why don’t you look closer, huh? She might even turn out to be brown.

As for Amitabh Bachchan, John has piles of compliments to heap on his professionalism.

Forget about his work ethics. More importantly, he’s a nice man. [Link]

That is some compliment that. Definitely a pile of something heaped on something else.

John chortles. “People think my choices are crazy. They wonder if I’ve lost my marbles risking my life in Baabul . Well, all I’ve to say is, I prefer riding bikes instead of cars.” [Link]

That clears up everything for me. I don’t need to hear anything more from the man – I feel like I know him so well. He rides bikes, so naturally, he’ll be a rich dummy who puts his foot into his large mouth at obtuse angles. Now if you have any doubts still, here is one more quote that might help you understand John, the person.

Actually, there’re two kinds of preparations. One is the big-spectacle preparation where one prepares for the action and dance scenes like Dhoom or Cash . The other kind of preparation is my kind “[Link]

Thanks Johnny. Now get on your bike and ride home to momma, will ya? We’ve had enough for one day.

Ramu Rewrites Sholay… Not

When Ram Gopal Varma announced his intention to remake Sholay, sceptics expected nothing more than a poorly executed rehash of the original with bad actors. Not me though – I always knew Ramu was better than that, and Shiva 2006 did nothing to dispel my faith.

Today I have been vindicated.

Ramu has made drastic changes to his Sholay that will take the movie “into another territory.” Wait, now it is “into another orbit.” Here’s a sampler of what’s in store for you guys.

Radha , the widow wears black instead of white.
Basanti rides an auto -rickhaw instead of a tonga.
Samba (Sushant Singh) is Gabbar’s right-hand man and confidante and not a side-kick.[Link]

I told ya, right? Basanti in an auto-rickshaw. Isn’t he something, our Ramu? I just hope he doesn’t go overboard and change the title font or something. Now that might make the movie completely unrecognizable.

PS: I hate to second guess you Ramu saab, but are you sure about the black saree? I mean, will it have the same effect under a waterfall as the original white? Oh wait, that was Ram Teri Ganga Maili. But still, something to think about…

What? Oh just Google for Mandakini, will you? We can’t give them to you everytime.

Aishwarya Rai Is Dated

Devdas. Umrao Jaan. Choker Bali. Have you ever wondered how Aishwarya Rai has an uncanny knack of picking the worst movies ever to star in? Well, now the cat is out of the bag, and the blame lies squarely on the media:

“I’ve often been told that I belong to another era. And my selection of films reflects that old-world reality,” Aishwarya told IANS. [Link]

Whoa, hold it right there girl. All those reviews you read that said you were stone faced – they actually meant you can’t act for nuts, not that you were from the stone age or other such eras.

Although I have to admit – I am pleasantly surprised you can actually read reviews. Comprehension will follow soon enough.

Little Things To Thank Parents For: #173

Chetan Hansraj is the little kid from the Nycil ad who wanted his back scratched.

This Nycil ad I did is memorable because I think it has high recall value. Also, not many people know or believe that the kid in the ad is me… [Link]

The kid has now grown into a man that says:

“Of course men are big on bitching, but it’s harmless and more of a time pass. It is very common in our acting and modelling fraternity. But women take it on to a serious level. Personally, I would bitch among friends about other friends or co-actors. [Link]

Ankita is the cute young girl from the “I love you Rasna” ads. Now, Ankita has … just grown.

Aren’t you glad your mom hid you behind her saree when modeling coordinator uncle visited your house?

Perizaad Zorabian is Mrs.Boman Irani

But like all publications are quick to point out, she got married to Boman Irani – the real estate developer, not the middle-aged character actor who most recently played a middle-aged cop in Don. Strangely enough, Boman Senior has an equally funky-named wife.

‘No, not the actor but the real-estate developer… You know when my Boman met the actor Boman’s wife, Zenobia, he told her maybe they should whip up something together. (Link)

Well played, Boman Junior. Reminds me of the time I tried to get Manoj interested in Aishwarya Rai, and a potential whipping session thereafter. But the snob insisted on wrapping up ‘The Sixth Sense’ first. Damn you Shyamalan!

So here’s hoping the wedding was fun. And by fun, we mean, hope everyone who attended made an increasingly bad version of a ‘Oh, it’s not you, Boman?’ joke to an increasingly frustrated Boman Sr. while winking at Xenophobia. Sorry, I mean Periculous Zoroastrian. Oh, whatever!

M.F. Hussain Probably Lives In A Tent

M.F. Hussain, the scary looking old painter man, is pretty predictable. He watches bad movies – really bad – and then announces that the actress that starred in the movie is his muse.

He’ll then paint the actress (on canvas) and try to sell the paintings to suckers. The money from the proceeds he’ll use to make a movie that is several orders of magnitude worse than the original. Gajagamini. No wonder then that Hussain prefers Sooraj Bharjatya movies.

A new Bharjatya movie – Vivah – that deals with “the journey from engagement to marriage” is out, and Hussain has announced that Amrita Rao has entered his canvas,whatever that means.

With his quick-on-the-draw paint brush, Husain plans to start a series of paintings inspired by Vivah and his brand-new muse Amrita Rao; “She has entered my canvas. I will construct an entire exhibition around her,” he promises. [Link]

I know you want to call him pathetic, but reserve that word, please. Use senile instead and read on.

“And of course, I will invite Amrita to be there, Shahid Latif too.”

Shahid Latif who? Does he mean Shahid Kapur? “Yes, yes… Shahid Kapur, he was good also,” he ends. [Link]

Shahid Latif, Shahid Kapur. Male names. Who cares? Well, Shahid does. He says,

Really? It’s an honour that Mr Husain has appreciated our hard work. He’s undoubtedly, the finest artiste of India. Through your paper, I would like to convey my gratitude to him. He wants to meet us .. just tell us when and where. [Link]

Honor indeed, Mr. Latif. And folks, time to unreserve pathetic now.

Aishwarya Provides Cover

Stardonic’s favorite news source carries a startling headline today, followed by a picture of some dude trying to suck all the collagen out of Nayantara’s lips.

Nayantara Hiding Behind Aishwarya Rai… [Link]

Now, call me a moron, but how in the world is that possible? I mean you could put Nayantara’s pinkie behind Aishwarya and half of it would show through. And the half that gets hidden does so only because Aishwarya is so damn dense.

Unless… unless… I wonder if Ileana was in the same room making out with Aishwarya. And then… wow. Damn, now I gotta go. Bye.

Sunny Deol might be an idiot…

…says Sunny Deol.

I’m not good at interviews. I’m uncomfortable in print also. When you sit down to express yourself you end up saying things that you may not mean the way it sounds. But it’s too late. You end up sounding like an idiot. {Link}

Good ol’ self-deprecating Sunny. Surely you can’t be that bad. Wait, what’s that about art cinema?

I get really irritated by distinctions like art and commercial cinema. What’s art cinema? Cinema that only a handful like? But if I like commercial films, they are art for me. These coinages are corny. {Link}

Hmmm, go on…

My creative thoughts are simmering. I often find it difficult to listen to other people’s ideas. That’s why I need to exercise creative control over my films. I’ve collected so much knowledge on cinema over the years. From now on I’ll be involved in every creative aspect of a film. {Link}

Alright, that’s enough. You were right, we were wrong. God! we were wrong. But you got one thing going for you, Sunny baba. You are NOT a liar. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.