One more loser

For the new year, the authors of S*ardonic wish they had a cent every time another wannabe-star loses his or her cell phone. The latest loser on our list is Aryan Vaid. And please don’t ask us who he is – we know little about him, other than that he happens to be on S*ardonic’s favorite TV Show – Bigg Boss. By managing to drown his cell phone along with himself, Vaid poses serious competition to Southie losers Vindya [Link] and Namitha [Link].

We all were supposed to get out of the small boats and into a big one. I had one feet in one boat and the other feet in the other, when the big boat moved. Before I knew it I was in the water sinking downwards. [Link]

Vaid went on to explain that his, er, “sinking” feeling was made worse not by his inability to swim, but because of his cell phone!

Of course I can swim! But have you tried swimming in that deep water at 4.am in the morning with your clothes and boots on, and your mobile in your hand? My phone immediately slipped out of my hand and I’ve lost all my numbers. But at that time it was the least of my worries. All I could think of was how to get out of the water. [Link]

Darna zaroori hai

Prashant Raj Sachdev who? That was our question also. So we dug and dug, and then we wished we hadn’t. We’re told that Sachdev is the new Jai in the new Sholay. [Link] And no, we aren’t talking about the new Bhojpuri Sholay. [Link]

Sachdev revealed the secret casting process behind his landing the role:

After answering his queries about my past, modelling, race, shows, what I felt about acting, my thoughts on acting, what an actor is all about, what acting means to me, Ramuji asked me to do something for him.

I knew instinctively this was the time. I spread my arms on the chair, looked at him and said, ‘Do you think I don’t know how to act? I have not come so far to waste time!’[Link]

That outburst worked, and he was cast as Jai. What’s more, Sachdev has even been learning a little bit about how movies get made:

My entire perception of what acting was all about was completely trashed. There was a shot where I am supposed to be resting by the bar with Ajay Devgan. But there is no Ajay. I am talking to a plant or a leaf. That’s what acting is all about. [Link]

Imagine, someday he might even be shown a green screen! Sachdev also admitted to being genetically challenged, and a shape-shifter among other things:

As a school kid Raj says he was “tall, skinny, had thin, long arms, (was) pigeon-chested, (with) thin legs and calves with a wide waist.

I started going to gym but saw no changes even after three months. My instructor told me that I was not genetically gifted. Today, I am proud of having been able to change my body shape. Nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it[Link]

Actress loses valuable data

It distresses us to see more and more examples of technologically-challenged actresses. First, there was the incident involving a crow [Link]. Now, we hear one more cell phone’s been lost. Vindya lost her cellphone on her way to Bahrain.

S*ardonic’s investigations have so far revealed no animal or avian plot behind this incident. Clearly, the animal kingdom is falling in line with human thinking on the issue, and exhibiting no interest whatsoever in Vindya.

Our leg work did help us find out that having been booted out of the movie industry, the actress appears to have taken up boot-legging data instead:

The mobile, which was worth Rs. 30 thousand rupees had valuable data of VIPs and film folks.” [Link]

Assorted VIPs and film folks mentioned above heaved a sigh of relief as Vindya went on to admit that she has neither a head for numbers nor back up for her, er, valuable data.

I have no back up for the important telephone numbers, which were stored in that phone. I could not even recollect my father’s number, I relied a lot on that phone. [Link]

Dharmendra’s retirement: A landmark in animal rights

Ashuthosh Gowrikar, the strong man of Bollywood [Link] reveals that when it comes to animals, he has a weak-heart.

69 elephants, 50 camels and 100 horses will be used to shoot battle sequences. There are two vets on the sets. Every four hours the animals get rest. Their holding areas are sufficiently large and roomy. [Link]

He acknowledges that animal rights have come a long way since the old Haathi Mere Saathi days.

Dharmendra fought lions with bare hands. Thank god animals aren’t treated that way any more. [Link]

Comeback No.1

You can take a star out of the movies, but apparently not the movies out of the star. Govinda, for example, has been out of movies and into politics for the last five or so years. Or maybe not:

After winning the elections… I wanted to know more about politics and do something for my constituency. After three years, I signed a film [Link]

He does seem to have picked up something from his years as a politician, though. No one else would have the er, generosity, to come up with such gift ideas:

My comeback in Bhagam Bhag is a gift I am giving my family and fans on my birthday. [Link]

He assures us that this gift will come wrapped in a nice package. Govinda has been working hard at losing weight.

I walk and practise yoga for an hour each. [Link]

Although he shares Bhagam Bhag with Akshay Kumar, Govinda makes it clear that he will be No.1, even when he’s in drag.

I will never play a second heroine. Till the end of my career, I will do only main roles, whatever it is. [Link]

Oh…that was Simran. Clearly, the S*ardonic team hasn’t quite recovered from this morning’s trauma. [Link]

Hattip from onlooker

It’s better to let John Abraham talk

Done with baring his soul, blathering Bollywood hunk John Abraham has moved on to baring his body. Drink it in while it lasts, because Mahesh Bhatt says it won’t last too long.

However, filmmaker Mahesh Bhatt, says, “By shedding clothes, these girls manage to cater to the popular demands of the commercial cinema. But after they have reached a certain point, these girls succumb to the old middle-class milieu…” [Link]

Oh wait, that was Bhatt talking about girls… but John is such a sensitive guy, so the quote partly applies to him.

Tired of looking at John Abraham’s hairless chest? Wait for Anurag Kashyap’s No Smoking. In the film you will get to see more than that, with John doing the Full Monty? derriere included. [Link]

For the average moviegoer, this isn’t such a big deal. Most of us are used to crying “What an ass!” when John appears on screen, so this’ll be just another day at the theaters for us.

Realityness

Reality shows are so, what’s the word – real. In fact, they are so much more real than actual life, we feel we need a new word for reality as depicted in a reality show. S*ardonic favors realityness*.

If you thought you knew life, read on to know better:

On camera massages can go too far!

Carol Gracias and Rupali Ganguly were constantly massaging Ravi Kishan’s legs and head. Even I massaged Anupama because she has a back problem. But I restricted the massage to the knees because I was well aware that the television cameras were constantly watching us. [Link]

Men can be so b*&$^#y

When I was brushing my hair Ravi came up to me and said… how grateful he was that I motivated him into losing five kgs…and then he voted me out! [Link]

Men can be so b*&$^#y Contd.

The guys all pretended to be friends with me. But…they all voted me out of the house. Can you imagine! [Link]

To tell time, you need a watch (or a clock)

In that house, there is no television, no music, no sense of time. Every day was like a year. [Link]

Self-actualization via realityness

I was a tomboy before Bigg Boss. Now, I am a woman. [Link]

My weeks inside that house have changed my attitude to life. Now I value what I have, I appreciate my friends and family. [Link]

*Truthiness was taken

Nautch girl turns to organized crime

No one can accuse Ajith Kumar of playing the same roles over and over again. Take this example – only a movie ago, he played a beautiful nautch girl, and in his next movie, he’s all set to play Billa! [Link]

Yes, you heard right, Rajini fans. Ajith is the new Billa. We hear Ajith even got the go ahead from the original Billa, with a small caveat. “I’d go easy on the mascara, if I were you,” were the Superstar’s wise words.

To make a Rajini movie as a remake takes guts and strength of character. And Ajith has shown that he has it in him. [Link]

Hmm.. guts. Now if they had said that last year, we’d have agreed with them wholeheartedly, but right now, we think Namitha would make for a gutsier Billa.

Speech is silver: Warmth loving marginal hero edition

Rahul BoseStill think of English August when you think of Rahul Bose? Boy, have the times changed!

No. This is not an excerpt from an Emraan Hashmi interview.

Q: What made you get so gutsy so early in your career?

A: I guess I can drop my pants and my inhibitions because I’m not a conventional leading man. I’ve no image. I’m marginal.

Q: You’ve lots of kissing and lovemaking scenes with her [Mallika Sherawat].

A: The genuine warmth and affection we felt for each other showed up on screen. [Link]

Kukunoor and his kutti audience

Nagesh Kukunoor has made a new film – ‘Dor‘. His movies don’t exactly have the masses beating a path to the theaters, as MSN India takes much pains to tell us:

‘Dor’ caters to a niche audience. It seems, Kukunoor has targeted his film for an audience that’s not in the majority. Although handled with utmost sensitivity, you cannot close your eyes to the fact that the execution of the material would appeal to a tiny segment of viewers. And also the Festival circuit. [Link]

The next time they want to write articles that appear to be well, long, why don’t they simply increase font size or line spacing instead? Worked for me in college and it’s faster.

If you ever get around to reading the rest of that article, do let us know what else they said about the movie. Rants apart, we’re glad that there’s a new Kukunoor movie to watch.

Man attacks Johar after watching KANK

Naah. That’s just wishful thinking. The man in question attacked his wife, and not because she made him take her to the movie, either. As you can see from the article [Link], the story behind the attempted murder’s very “mature”, or at least as mature as Mr. Johar thinks his movie is.

Speech is silver: Catfight edition

To be a cricketer is a good thing. You get to do all sorts of inspirational stuff. Yuvraj Singh, for instance, recently inspired a cat fight. Read about it here.

But a key alleged participant in this alleged cat-fight denies the rumor. When asked about the fight, Shamita Shetty has responded with what we can only call cold hard logic:

I’m not a cat. I don’t indulge in cat-fights. [Link]

Further, she was unable to shed any light on the mystery finger, allegedly attached to Ms. Sharma, which also made an appearance at the venue:

There was certainly no finger shown by Kim at me. I don’t know whom she showed her finger to. But it sure as hell wasn’t me. [Link]

In other news, there seems to be another catfight brewing, this time between Ram Gopal Varma and Karan Johar. The first salvo was fired by Varma, who said he was looking forward to KANK because he loves horror films. Johar responded with:

When he has so much work on hand I wonder why he keeps obsessing with what I do! I know he doesn’t respect my work. But could he please keep quiet about what I do?” [Link]

Speech is Silver: Candid director edition

Following the overwhelming popularity of our last post featuring a candid celebrity [Link] interview, here’s a follow up. Raksha Mistry, who has co-directed the Emraan Hashmi starrer “The Killer”, may not be as much of a celebrity as Dhanush, but she is as just candid. [Link]

On the vital role played by the heroine, Nisha Kothari:

RM: We put her wherever we could, in songs mainly. We didn’t want to push her into the narration.

On why Ms. Kothari is not shy about wearing what she (barely) does, but draws the line at kissing:

Director to create “room” for kissing for Serial Kisser in upcoming movie

RM: That’s Indian actresses for you.

On the accusation that the movie is a copy of The Collateral:

RM: We don’t deny being inspired by “Collateral”. But we haven’t ripped off the original. You have to remember 80 percent of the audience hasn’t seen “Collateral”.

On Emraan’s not kissing the girl (although we’re not entirely sure who was more disappointed – the audience or Mahesh Bhatt):

RM: There were lots of arguments about the kiss between Mahesh Bhatt and Emraan Hashmi. Mr. Bhatt wanted the kiss, Emraan didn’t. The screenplay didn’t require a kiss. And we didn’t want to put it to please the audience. So we sided with Emraan.

On whether Emraan’s sworn off kissing for good:

RM: Emraan is in our next action thriller. Hopefully, there’ll be a room for a kiss. [Link]

Maddy’s got game

After successfully killing audiences all over Tamil Nadu and the world (let’s not forget the poor Non Resident Tamils) with performances in classics such as Priyasaki and Thambi, Madhavan finally pleased those same audiences when he got himself and his MIG killed on Rang de Basanti. Madhavan’s successful relationship with the MIG continues with a new cell phone game endorsed by the star and called Madhavan’s MIG! [Link]

Madhavan’s MIG appears to be a highly complicated and very demanding game. We asked Maddy to explain its intricacies:

Post RDB, Madhavan’s MIG flies on

“[It is a] series of lifestyle games. How a guy can date a girl and how he can take her out, or how a girl can date a guy? And they’ve signed me on exclusively. No other Indian actor has been signed for the game.”

An anonymous source told us that whoever solves the mystery of why no other Indian actor was signed for the game will get free tickets for Madhavan’s next ten movies (and now you know why our source wishes to remain anonymous).

SRK has nothing to do with this post. I put up this picture in response to reader complaints about the paucity of hunks on this blog. (not counting hosts Karthik & Manoj, of course) [Link]

Of bombshells and bathtubs

Puke alert: High.

Will she sink or float?

When you dunk a southern bombshell in water, will she sink or will she float? What if the bombshell is Mumtaz? What if the water is replaced by milk? And does the identity of the dunker matter?

Man of action and his floatation device?

If you are of a scientific persuasion, and spend many sleepless nights seeking answers to such burning questions, you are not alone. T. Rajender is with you. And unlike you, he doesn’t believe in sitting back and twiddling his thumbs. The man of action is, well, taking action. His new movie Veerasamy features a “kuthu number” in which the healthy item girl dunks herself in about 1000 litres of milk. We collectively hold our breath till August (when the movie is slated for release, more importantly, it helps with the nausea) to find out the answer to that eternal quest involving belles and their affinity for all things liquid. [Link]

One more chick-flick

First it was Shabana Aazmi & Nandita Das. Then came Lisa Ray. Perizaad Zorabian is the latest to join the lesbian bandwagon. We hear she’s might soon be signing up to play a lesbian in ‘When Kiran met Karen’ to be directed by New Jersey based Manan Katohora [Link].

Note to our male readers: We regret to inform you that Ms. Ray and Ms. Zorabian are not in the same movie. Ms. Zorabian’s character is to have an affair with a Chinese woman. We plan to lobby for ladies (see Exhibits A and B). Other suggestions are welcome.

Perizaad to play a lesbian

Exhibit A: Zhiyi Zhang / Perizaad’s partner? [Picture courtesy Wikipedia]

Exhibit B: Gong Li / Perizaad’s partner?

Beautiful and takes direction

Ileana is truly a director’s actress. This highly professional young artist was happy to do as many takes as it took (if you’ll pardon the pun) to get a suicide scene right. She was asked to swallow lots of pills. She did so. She was asked to swallow lots of pills again. She complied. And so on and so forth till perfection was achieved.

The only hitch – the director forgot to instruct the lady that it was all a pretense – she wasn’t actually supposed to swallow those pills! Ileana had to have her stomach washed* to get rid of all those nasty vitamins. (Silverscreen convyes its gratitude to the props team who either remembered that this was just a movie, or had had the uncanny foresight to use vitamin pills instead of whatever pills get used in real suicides.)

[Link]

*A reminder to our male readers: this stomach washing in no way involves any of the following: waterfalls, bikinis, soap suds, steaming showers with transparent shower curtains.

Speech is silver: Young hero editon

Reader Bart points us to a live chat with Dhanush, the star of the recently released Pudhupettai. We aren’t too sure if he is being disarmingly honest, or just plain arrogant. We love his comments on Namita, Vijay and Ajith, but we’ll leave the rest to you.

On his father-in-law, aka the identity-munching no-good blond actor (OK, so he didn’t mention the blond part – minor oversight, surely), Dhanush says:

Q: how does it feel to be the son-in-law of the world’s greatest hero – Rajnikanth!

Dhanush: wierd…

Q: What difference you feel professionally after marrying Superstar’s Daughter

Dhanush: i lost my identity…

Q: do you have aspirations of becoming the next super star after Rajni?

Dhanush: nope, i wanna go beyond that…

Q: How can we compare Amithabachan and Rajinikanth?

Dhanush: cant compare, amitabh i sa little better than him, i guess, hope my rajini does nt see this

On his leading ladies, er, chechis:

Q: u and sneha formed a very good pair

Dhanush: u think so? don u think she s little older for me?

Q: Dhanush-Sneha pair 100% perfect.

Dhanush: sneha and i don match….plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Q: Can namitha act as ur heroine? hahaha

Dhanush: i ll look like her two yr old son

On his looks

Q: Do you think that good looks is essential to become a hero in Tamil cinema?

Dhanush: did n u see my films?

An obvious Dhanush fan: I have got this major crush on you, man!

Dhanush: really? u shud really see a doctor

And the competition:

Q: Comments on Vijay and Ajith..pls

Dhanush: to be frank…i think both of them shud work on thier acting skills

Hat tip – Bart [Link]

Speech is silver: Of bears and chimps

We are aware that folks in the movie business are known to suffer from narcissism, but this is surely taking things a bit too far. We’re too shaken to make snarky comments and leave it to our readers to make up their own.

When asked to play the Chimp’s father in a movie, the Bear had this to say:
“Stop…stop…I am father to Simbu only in real life not in reel life. In reel life, I am still a top hero who commands crores of money as salary…Even if you dump billions on me, I won’t act as a father. Even to Simbu….!” [Link]

Hat tip: KP

Kambakth coke.

Fardeen Khan is not a man who says no to drugs. But he is capable of saying – not too much. He has been charged with possession of cocaine, but wants to make it clear that he was buying one gram only, not nine! And taking the drug-dealer-addict relationship to whole new levels, he even asked his dealer to vouch for him.

Fardeen’s peddler, Nasir Abdul Karim Khan in a statement, has backed Fardeen’s claim by saying that he planned to sell only one gram of the contraband to the actor and remaining eight grams were meant for some other buyer. [Link]